By the mere nature of the real estate buying and selling process an atmosphere of potential intimacy is commonplace. In order for an agent to be of service to a seller or a buyer they must know many personal and confidential facts about their client's lives. Relationships are created and sometimes even lasting friendships --- I know because I have been blessed to have a number of friends who started out as clients. But it can also go terribly wrong, especially when a buyer shares personal details with a real estate agent and then finds out the agent has not been representing them or their best interests. Be sure you know whose side the agent you are choosing to work with is on before you start telling them your life story. Here is an article that speaks to this common dilemma.

By NADINE BROZAN
Courtesy NewYorkTimes.com, October 4, 2004

They may come together for what seems like a straightforward business transaction - the sale or purchase of a home - but the relationship between broker and client can be an emotional minefield, ripe for love or hate, admiration or scorn, friendship or hostility.

If nothing else, it is a highly personal connection. A broker, after all, probably knows as much about the client as any therapist, lawyer, accountant or even spouse.

Brokers know what their clients earn and what they're worth - they have to, in order to figure out which co-ops make sense for them. They may know if they're planning to leave their jobs, or their spouses. "People who are planning to get divorced may not yet have told their friends or their children but need an appraisal before dividing the assets," said Daniela Kunen, a managing director of Douglas Elliman. "You hear very personal information."

Whatever it is, the connection is rarely tepid. Frederick W. Peters, president of Warburg Realty Partnership, said that he tells novice agents that they are in a business that fosters short-term intimacy. "You are immediately plunged into a close relationship with a buyer or seller and then when the transaction is consummated, it is over, unless you choose otherwise." he said.

Many people do choose otherwise, having planted the seeds of enduring friendship in the collaboration to buy or sell a residence, or, if they live in the same community and run into one another in the supermarket, an ongoing acquaintanceship.

"You may be the first person in town they know," said Roberta Baldwin, an associate broker with Re/Max Village Square in Upper Montclair, N.J., who gives a New Year's party with a magician and a Labor Day barbecue for her clients and their children. "You become the person they rely on when they need the name of a contractor or doctor."

But brokers offer more than practical tips. "For every person or couple who buys for the first time and moves through the process without a care in the world, there are 10 who bring preconceived notions about what they should be buying, what their parents and relatives think, fears they have about their children and safety, money issues and worry about the economy," Ms. Baldwin said.

Strong bonds in individual cases notwithstanding, as a group brokers and clients do not hold one another in particularly high esteem.

Preliminary findings of an online survey of attitudes of brokers and buyers who have bought properties in Manhattan in the last three years show that 78 percent of the 51 brokers who responded and 69 percent of 152 buyers and sellers "strongly or somewhat strongly" agreed with the premise, "Most people don't trust real estate brokers or expect much from them." The survey was commissioned by Braddock & Purcell, a real estate consultant that brings brokers and clients together, and carried out by Penn Schoen & Berland Associates, the market research firm.

"You can develop a close relationship with your broker, but it is in the context of an industry for which people do not have a high opinion," said Paul F. Purcell, a partner in the firm.

John Podesta, national sales manager for Osh Kosh B'Gosh, has enough broker horror stories to keep him talking through many a dinner party.

The broker who helped him buy his first Manhattan apartment on 61st Street and Amsterdam Avenue, for example, spent more time on the phone dealing with a failing romance than she did with him during scouting expeditions. "I did a lot of things that were her job, like looking for apartments in the paper," Mr. Podesta said.

To make it up to him, "she took me to an expensive restaurant, and then it turned out it didn't take credit cards and she didn't have cash," he said. "She never paid me back." Things got worse. He described the broker for his next apartment on West 26th Street as a "deceitful liar who misrepresented what was going to be done to the building and the character of the developer."

"The lobby renovation never looked the way it was supposed to," he said, "and neither the penthouse nor the rooftop garden were ever built." When he put that apartment on the market, he had a broker who arrived late for an open house. "People were already there when he came riding up on his bicycle with headphones on and looking disheveled," he said.

The next stop: Down Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass, the trendy Brooklyn neighborhood known as Dumbo. He bought an apartment there by directly responding to a listing rather than using a broker. But he wasn't impressed, either, by the broker who was representing the seller. "I never heard from the seller's broker, but she kept calling her lawyer to find out when the commission was coming," he said.

Now he lives at Madison Avenue and 63rd Street, where, he said, '`I had a good, diligent broker who was determined to get the deal done and who pushed it."

Among the qualities considered essential for good brokers are: discretion; trustworthiness; sensitivity; diplomacy; serious knowledge about neighborhoods, buildings, boards, management, and potential pitfalls; an ability to listen; and strong intuitive instincts.

Intuition is particularly prized. "There is a creative component to this, fitting a round peg into a square hole," said Rosette Arons, a vice president for Stribling & Associates. "The creative process comes in when you hear them say, `I need a three-bedroom with such and such,' and that is not at all what they want. I listen to what they want, even when they may not know what that is, and I can tease it out of them."

Clearly that was the case with Lisa Simonsen, a vice president for the Corcoran Group, and Serita Winthrop, who sold her seven-room apartment on East 79th Street and bought a loft with soaring ceilings at the renowned Hotel des Artistes on West 67th Street in June.

Ms. Simonsen, an occasional fitness trainer, had been exercising with Ms. Winthrop, who has four grown children, and, she said, she sensed her student subconsciously harbored a yen for a new place.

"I had told her I couldn't imagine ever moving," Ms. Winthrop said. "Then, after the second week of working out, I suddenly said, `I want to move.' I wanted a smaller space, and with my 60th birthday coming up, it was time to simplify. She took a low key approach, and said, `We can always look without buying.' "

But when they saw the duplex in the Hotel des Artistes, "I sat down on a banquette and said, `It looks like a stage set and makes me feel as if I were in the theater,' " she said. "It is entirely different from anything I have ever lived in. I began to figure out about sofa beds to accommodate close friends or children and grandchildren."

She moved in July but continues to get together with Ms. Simonsen. "We are definitely friends," she said as they sipped tea together the other day. "We have introduced each other to the people in our lives."

Timothy Melzer, a 27-year-old vice president for Douglas Elliman, prides himself on turning customers into friends. "By the time it is over, almost all of them call to say they miss talking," he said.

One of those clients, Dr. Anthony W. Cincotta, was called upon to show an unusual degree of trust when he decided to buy a penthouse at Morton Square, the town house, condo and rental complex at Morton and West Streets, about 18 months ago. "It is hard to trust anyone in New York, and I am one of those types who asks people to take off their shoes before walking on my carpet," he said.

Dr. Cincotta, a neuropsychiatrist and family physician at Catholic Community Services in Newark, had been looking for a penthouse with outdoor space, when Mr. Melzer proposed the Morton Square penthouse. "I froze when he told me about it and said, `This is $1 million more than I wanted to spend,' " he recalled. "He kept arguing with me and said, `This is where you have to be, this is where you will make money.' I gave in."

After Dr. Cincotta agreed to buy it, Mr. Melzer went to great lengths to cement the deal. "The developer was demanding a check for more than 10 percent, $191,500, an hour after it came on the market, so he needed his checkbook, which was in Manhattan," he said. "I had to drive to Newark, get his keys, drive to Manhattan, go to his apartment, get the checkbook, drive to the sponsor's office, pick up the contract, drive back to New Jersey, get the contract signed and the check written. By the time I got back to the sponsor's office, they had gotten another offer, but fortunately it came from someone who didn't have their checkbook."

The property, which closed on Sept. 23, has appreciated more than $1 million since the initial listing, and Dr. Cincotta will rent it out, he hopes, for $19,000 a month, Mr. Melzer said, and eventually live in it.

The two have been friends since. "Once you develop trust and you talk on the phone everyday, the walls start coming down," Mr. Melzer said.

Patricia Whitehead, an associate broker with the Corcoran Group, considers herself something of a surrogate mother to Jennifer Eggers, an advertising copywriter from Eugene, Ore., who is in her 20's and just bought her first apartment in the city. The two met at an open house. "I could see she was taking notes," Ms. Whitehead said. "I called her the next day and said, `Why don't you let me help you get through the maze?' "

When Ms. Eggers's parents came to town from their home San Ramon, Calif., "I bonded with them and they decided that if I liked an apartment we found, that would be good enough for them and they wouldn't have to come back," Ms. Whitehead said. Two weeks later, they found the apartment, a loft-style co-op with an 18-foot ceiling and spiral staircase on East 88th Street.

Navigating the co-op approvals process was intimidating, Ms. Eggers said, "but I did feel that Patti was looking out for me every step of the way." And beyond. Ms. Whitehead noticed that the seller's broker was interested in Ms. Eggers and after the closing, urged him to call her. "So far they haven't gone out, but I keep my antennas open," Ms. Whitehead said.

There are differences between being the broker for a buyer, whose primary goal is to find a home, and the seller, whose goal it to reap the highest possible profit.

There are also distinctions between city and suburban real estate that can affect the interaction. For one thing, there is a Multiple Listing Service that prevails in the suburbs but has not gained acceptance in the city.

"In the suburbs, any agent can show you any property and we discourage exclusives," said David Firnhaber, branch manager for the Houlihan Lawrence office in Chappaqua, N.Y. "So we tend to work with people for a long time, showing them as many things as they could possibly want. It is more intimate because you are not meeting someone in the lobby of an apartment or taking a limo or taxis, but you spend a lot of time in the agent's car. So I think there is a stronger bond."

Not so, says Michele Kleier, president of Gumley Haft Kleier, who started in the business when she was pregnant with her second child and met her first clients in the sandbox. "I always dealt with friends, and clients who were not friends became friends," she said. "I feel I look out for people more than strangers will."

Though she does not advocate using a broker simply because he or she is a friend, she does expect that her friends will call on her when they are in the market. "I am the broker for most of my friends," she said. "If they don't feel I am a good enough broker to be their broker, then they are not a friend."

Mr. Purcell, whose company helps buyers find brokers who will best suit them, doesn't think that's the right approach. He argues that the wall between professional and personal should be maintained. "You are not friends, you are a professional service provider," he said. "When you are friends, the client can believe they are entitled to special considerations they would not get in an entirely professional relationship, such as commission concessions."

Of course, in today's intense market, properties move so quickly that the concept of friendship may be moot. "You might meet a buyer once at an open house and they make an offer," said Carolyn Meenan, an associate with Bryce Rea Associates in Little Neck, Queens. "You don't have time to develop relationships."